PEEK BEHIND THE CURTAIN PEEK BEHIND THE CURTAIN PEEK BEHIND THE CURTAIN PEEK BEHIND THE CURTAIN (don't peek behind the curtain). Are you afraid of what you might find (an old man masturbating)?
Throw away your magical textbooks. They won't really help you. Ditto for the candles, inscence, robes, wands, etc. What you really need is a frame of mind (not one drugs will necessarily get you).
Think of the last time you really wanted something. To set a record for yourself, to change, to get something you thought was perhaps out of your reach. Remember the frame of mind you were in. The determination, the total concentration on that one goal, every fiber, every cell moving forwards to grasp it. THE WILL TO SUCCEED. Changing reality to conform to your will. This is what magic is.
Using magic is an integral part of being human. You use it like you use your hands or any other part of your body. It's just that you have been taught to feel you need the trappings when all that is truly needed is the will.